Town of Normal: “Let Spring Clear the Roads.”

Snow Plagues Illinois State University

The Great Town of Normal has offically adopted its long time unofficial philosophy.  In an effort to use more natural, reusable energies, and promote itself as a “Green” city, the town has decided to use natural seasonal climate changes to decrease its carbon footprint.

“We pride ourselves in being Eco-friendly and economically responsible.” says Mayor Mike Crammer, he went on to say, “We can’t waste earth’s resources clearing unimportant roads such as University Court.”

“We have a large student population which we refuse to benefit with any scrap of municipal services.” Crammer added.

“I live on an unimportant side street, and I have to drive very carefully to avoid spinning out and parking in my neighbors lawn”, Normal resident Phil McBain states with a cold glassy stare, “but I sleep better at night knowing my taxes don’t go toward killing Mother Gia, or helping students.  didn’t we outlaw them?¹”

We can all hope other towns follow in Normals footsteps² in becoming more “Green” and hating students.

Notes:

¹Yes we did.
²Footprints?

As Dreamt, White Christmas Claims Forty Lives Over Holiday Weekend.

The prophet foretells doom

Mythbusters Accidently Give Life to “Buster”

 

Moments before unspeakable evils were unleashed

The new season of Mythbusters boasts a bigger budget and new outrageous myths to tackle with the fundamental elements of the scientific method¹. Nothing could have prepared them, however, for what happened while taking on a myth about the Occult. This seemingly innocent myth animated the popular crash test dummy, Buster, and sent him on a rampage.

 

The myth involved a dark ancient ceremony found on parchment dating from ancient Egypt. The myth presented here was that the ceremony would give life to any humanoid doll. The “animated” doll would be complete with emotions, memories, and a will of its own². The ceremony was played out on Buster during a full moon last lunar cycle. The details are still unknown on what the ceremony involved, but sources³ say it involved a night of candles, sheep’s blood, a virgin sacrifice, and a quick run to late night Wendy’s⁴.

“We knew something had gone wrong almost immediately,” said Marvis Bacon, a boom mike operator. “Buster’s hands started moving on their own and became a fist. That’s when the killing spree began.”

Few survived what is now being referred to as the “Buster Apocalypse”. One can only guess where the seemingly insatiable hatred expressed by this dummy came from. Buster with his inhuman strength dragged Jamie by his ankles to the roof and threw him off⁵. Adam did not escape either as Buster poured gasoline on him and burned him alive. Buster then grabbed a sword and massacred the rest of the Mythbusters cast and crew.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the family of the 97 deceased members of the Mythbusters crew.

Notes:

¹ Setting things on fire.
² Free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment.
³ Imaginary sources.
⁴ Virgins were not in short supply with the cast and crew of Mythbusters.
⁵ Testing the myth of human flight.

World War One Named By Pessimists In 1915

Pessimists

At the time nobody understood why it was called World War One, and the reasons would not become entirely clear for twenty-five years.  It has been a mystery whether it was staggering pessimism or grandiose foresight.   The truth is far more terrifying.

It is true, there were skeptics to the “War to End All Wars” name.  Politicians, Army officers and newspaper writers in Europe and the United States¹ were doubtful the war would bring a ‘lasting peace’.  Most would not go so far as to say the the World War would not only fail to lay the ground work for a peace keeping global initiative, but set in motion the mechanism of a second world war².  Some of them thought so.

Eye wittness rendering of original envelope

Woodrow Wilson was wise enough to see punitive terms of a treaty would draw out the war and increase long term international bitterness.  This is what the League of Nations was all about, or would have been if it were not watered down by France and the United States Congress.

The most reliable explanation is an unnamed time traveler slipped-up and called the war by it’s common name.  However, the only source is from the one-time time travelers convention hosted by MIT in 2005.  Though the confession was found in a futuristic envelope on the floor after the convention, it checks out as authentic because the envelope was a living plant bio-engineered to function as an envelope.

The FBI has held the remainder of the envelope’s contents in the years since the convention, though the FBI denies it to this day.  They and only they know for certain what other secrets were revealed by the mysterious letter.

Notes:

¹But not in Canada.
²Modernly capitalized as a proper noun.

KITT Failed Emissions Test, Hit Rock Bottom

I frequently had sex in that car, I didn't know it was really able to think.

KITT, commonly understood to stand for Knight Industries Talking Toy, was the co-star of the wildly popular TV series “Knight Rider” and a sentient being¹.  By all outward appearances KITT was a Pontiac Grand Am, but inside he was “dark and secretive,” says Dan Gurfinger, the studio mechanic.

After the series “Knight Rider” ended in 1986 KITT fell on hard times.  Americans no longer wanted a car that talked back, they wanted a car that was reliable, affordable, and got 25+ MPG.   In the spring of 1988 KITT found himself living² on the street.

Things did not get any better for KITT, California is a dangerous place to be a car.  KITT was in several “fender benders”³, three major wrecks, and an unknown number of parking lot “dings”.  Routinely the homeless would sleep and BM in KITT’s back seat, or teenagers would steal KITT for a joy-ride and try to steal the stereo⁴.

The last straw came when California increased it’s emissions standards for non-commercial vehicles.  KITT’s programming forced him to comply with all laws, even the ones that would destroy him.

It was years later, when the network wanted to do a reunion show, people were unable to find KITT.  A private detective tracked KITT down and was able to confirm what everybody had feared.  KITT had been placed in a scrapyard, destroyed, melted and forged anew in drywall screws.

Notes:

¹At the time very few people knew the term sentient, as “Star Trek: The Next Generation” would not come to television until 1987.
²Driving, parking.
³All the fault of uninsured drivers.
⁴This of course left KITT mute, and unable to seek the help he needed.

Illinois General Assembly Mandated Radio Stations Play Metallica Music

Unidentified Lobbiest Who Wrote the Bill

In 1998 the Illinois General Assembly enacted a bill to force radio station to play three consecutive Metallica songs at least once daily.  This requirement for radio is alike to station identification, emergency broadcast tests, and mindless banter for four hours starting at six every morning.   This was turbulent time in the Commonwealth of Illinois.

Governor Jim Edgar had all but endorsed Scientology, and was getting relations from his campaign manager.  Chicago sports teams, also inundated with the doctrines of Scientology, earned a reputation as amateurish¹.  There was also the flooding of the Mississippi (’93 & ’97²).

Also plaguing the airwaves was Alternative Rock and canned Hip-Hop acts, this prompted Illinois’ youth to act like depressed hippies or like inner-city thugs.    Schools and youth organizations were hopelessly trying to find young people who were angry social misfits.  Teenagers lacked the raw uncensored rage they had in the 1980s.

The 1980s were a fine time to live in Illinois.  The Bears were worthy of the killers they’re named after.  Lake Michigan wasn’t covered with a film of petrochemicals³.  The Mississippi, the sultry mistress of the west, stayed in her banks, but continued to seduce mid-westerners from Mediocre Moline to Glorious East St. Louis.  Most importantly, heavy metal music was played over the airwaves all day everyday.

It was an attempt to recapture the magic of the 1980s⁴, and perhaps it worked⁵.

Notes:
¹The Bulls don’t count, they belonged to everybody⁶.
²“93 was supposed to be a hundred year flood, so we didn’t move.”
³It was covered with petroleum processing byproduct, but it added to the shimmer of the lake at sunrise.
⁴The prohibition of alcohol was also considered to recapture the magic of the 1920s.
⁵Unlike prohibition.
⁶Now that they are Jordanless, they are the sole possesion of Chicago and it’s outlaying areas

Obama Currently Serving In Both U.S. Senate And Illinois State Senate

Barack Obama, favored to become the next President of the United States, is some times misidentified as formerly serving in the State Senate of Illinois.  The truth is, Obama has retained his State Senate seat, listed here.   This has never been done before, however it is not in violation of the United States Constitution¹ nor does it violate the Illinois Constitution².

Furthermore, Obama doesn’t plan on quitting anytime soon. “I will not resign either of my Senatorships should I become President.”

The idea is catching on. Sarah Palin tells us, “I also serve in the Canadian parliament, people don’t know that about me³.”

“Look, I want to fix Washington,” Obama tells us, “but a single office does not hold enough power to really change things.  That’s a large part of what is going wrong, power needs to be consolidated to one person.  That person should be me.  I would be Obama the Good, Obama the Wise, Obama the POWERFUL⁴.  Instead of a slow corrupted government you will have a glorious leader, all shall love me and despair.

“No. It shall not be so. I refuse that power.  I will be a servant of Congress, nothing more.  I have passed the test, and will diminish.”

Notes:
¹Nobody cares about the U.S. Constitution.
²Nobody has ever cared about state constitutions.
³She also can see Russia from her house.
⁴Tempestuous as the sea, and stronger than the foundations of the earth.

I Just Stole Thirty Million Dollars From the Nigerian Government With A Little Help From The Genocidal Former Dictator

My business associate: General Abacha

It must have been my reputation as a shrewd and wise business dealer, though I had no idea my reputation went so far as Africa, because I was approached by email by Clement Okon to help him access 42 million dollars which have been frozen during an investigation of former President-For-Life General Sani Abacha who was unjustly removed from power by a bloodthirsty mob of voters exercising democracy.

General Abacha is being accused of many “crimes against humanity” and that the $42 million was “stolen from the poorest of the nation”.    That is just the democraticly controlled news media and biased courts trying to line the public coffers by taking it from a man who gave a good portion of the best years of his life in the service of his country.

Conceptual image of what my garage will look like.

There are many barriers to retrieving the Generals money, that’s why they chose me to help.  I know a thing or three about getting things done in bureaucracies, I worked for University Housing when I was an undergrad at Illinois State University.  I owe much of my business sense and good judgment to my mentors at ISU.  GO REDBIRDS!

I know I need to grease the wheels a bit.  Nothing cuts through red tape like cold hard cash.  So I’ve sent $20,000 to Mr. Okon as an investment. AND WHAT AN INVESTMENT! I figure with my share of the money (around $30 million) I will pay off my student loans, and my house, and with the rest of the money I will respond to some of the others in Africa who have asked for financial assistance in similar matters, if those opprotunities are still available.  I don’t want to go into it here, sorry, I just don’t trust you not to try to beat me to them.

The check for $30 million should be here any day.

Fifty Year-Old Documents Prove Q-tip Executives Knew About Potential Inner Ear Damage

The manufacturers of Q-tips have stated on their packaging that the swabs are not to be used to clean wax from the ear canal.   Newly revealed memos and reports show it was known by the Q-tip company consumers were buying and using Q-tips exclusively to clean out waxy build-up in their inner-ears, endangering their eardrums.  The memos also show how the company positioned it’s self to profit from such misuse.

“They knew what they were selling when they were selling it,” Mark F. Kepler has worked for years to get warning labels on Q-tip packaging, “now we have the proof we need to shut them down for good.”  Kepler confesses he once used a cotton swab to remove some nasty ear-wax, “…but I’ve been clean since.  Not physically clean, I mean, that was twenty years ago and my ears produce a lot of wax.  So that part has not been clean, I mean I haven’t used them from that time on.”

In 1993 Clinton appointee Joycelyn Elders warned the American people of the danger and mandatory labeling was enacted by the U.S. Congress¹.

Elders says over email, “I am proud to have made such a meaningful contribution to this great nation. This is my legacy, this is what people remember me for.²”

Big Tobacco The cotton swab industry, lead by Q-tip,  have released the following statement:

We do not make a harmful product.  When used as recommended the swabs³ are perfectly safe to use. They are great for the outer ear, and for other things probably.  If some adults choose to use our swabs* perverting the intended use, we can’t be held accountable for the actions of a few deviant users.

Kepler points out that by not advocating for proper use, but explaining how exactly, step by step, not to use a Q-tip to clean the inner-ear.  “You see people wouldn’t need these things if not to clean the inner-ear.  This would have destroyed the cotton swab industry.  So they subtly told the public how great Q-tips were for this dangerous purpose, and weren’t very convincing about prohibiting it.”⁴

The memos themselves have not been examined by investigators, nor has Mark Kepler seen the memos.  However due to his tremendous expertise, we can trust his speculation.

Notes:

¹Nobody knows the difference between an act and a law, and there is no way to find out
²Really?
³The swabs may be Q-tip brand or a comparable swab of your choosing.
⁴After the interview Kepler confessed that his ears always felt nasty, and the world seemed muffled. Sometimes, he said, he would roll up a tissue and shove it in his ear, but it would bring no relief. Then he asked if we were off the record, and I said no. He asked if I would please not to print that last thing. I said I would think about it, but I already knew I would.

Rex Grossman Arrested For Keeping More Than 250 Cats In His Home

The image collectively remembered by public when Grossman is mentioned.

Rex Grossman, best known for his comical antics on the football field, has been arrested by Hammond Indiana Animal Police on 263 counts of animal endangerment and cruelty.  Under Indiana law Grossman could be fined up to $2,000 and serve one year in jail per animal found on his property.  The NFL re-released the statement from the Micheal Vick animal incident.

“It makes me sick,” David Warding of the Hammond Indiana Animal Police is often sick, he is lactose intolerant, “I mean morally, I am reacting physically to my emotions right now.  And there is a ton of cat feces and some dead cats here which I am also reacting to.  I also had some ice-cream earlier.”

Bears spokeswoman Julie Manning¹ at a press conference said, “We never thought Rex would have endangered animals, I guess we all assumed only good athletes did that.”  She then corrected herself, “Excuse me, we thought only allegedly good athletes did that.”

“The cats will be taken in to good homes where they will be loved”² , lied Warding, “Indiana doesn’t just throw living things away if they are undesirable.”  Warding continued like this for twenty minutes on this pro-life soap-box rant that can only be called ‘inhumane’.

Notes:
¹No relation, but she is the office pariah
²Cats actually sent to incinerator