The manufacturers of Q-tips have stated on their packaging that the swabs are not to be used to clean wax from the ear canal. Newly revealed memos and reports show it was known by the Q-tip company consumers were buying and using Q-tips exclusively to clean out waxy build-up in their inner-ears, endangering their eardrums. The memos also show how the company positioned it’s self to profit from such misuse.
“They knew what they were selling when they were selling it,” Mark F. Kepler has worked for years to get warning labels on Q-tip packaging, “now we have the proof we need to shut them down for good.” Kepler confesses he once used a cotton swab to remove some nasty ear-wax, “…but I’ve been clean since. Not physically clean, I mean, that was twenty years ago and my ears produce a lot of wax. So that part has not been clean, I mean I haven’t used them from that time on.”
In 1993 Clinton appointee Joycelyn Elders warned the American people of the danger and mandatory labeling was enacted by the U.S. Congress1.
Elders says over email, “I am proud to have made such a meaningful contribution to this great nation. This is my legacy, this is what people remember me for.2”
Big Tobacco The cotton swab industry, lead by Q-tip, have released the following statement:
We do not make a harmful product. When used as recommended the swabs3 are perfectly safe to use. They are great for the outer ear, and for other things probably. If some adults choose to use our swabs* perverting the intended use, we can’t be held accountable for the actions of a few deviant users.
Kepler points out that by not advocating for proper use, but explaining how exactly, step by step, not to use a Q-tip to clean the inner-ear. “You see people wouldn’t need these things if not to clean the inner-ear. This would have destroyed the cotton swab industry. So they subtly told the public how great Q-tips were for this dangerous purpose, and weren’t very convincing about prohibiting it.”4
The memos themselves have not been examined by investigators, nor has Mark Kepler seen the memos. However due to his tremendous expertise, we can trust his speculation.
Notes:
1Nobody knows the difference between an act and a law, and there is no way to find out
2Really?
3The swabs may be Q-tip brand or a comparable swab of your choosing.
4After the interview Kepler confessed that his ears always felt nasty, and the world seemed muffled. Sometimes, he said, he would roll up a tissue and shove it in his ear, but it would bring no relief. Then he asked if we were off the record, and I said no. He asked if I would please not to print that last thing. I said I would think about it, but I already knew I would.
“America wants things fast and it wants things now,” said Marble Slab CEO Bernard Fonda, “I think America is tired of waiting for Type Two Diabetes”. The CEO then showed the press conference his insulin prescription and the staggering success of this new dish6.
Fact Checked 