World War One Named By Pessimists In 1915

Pessimists

At the time nobody understood why it was called World War One, and the reasons would not become entirely clear for twenty-five years.  It has been a mystery whether it was staggering pessimism or grandiose foresight.   The truth is far more terrifying.

It is true, there were skeptics to the “War to End All Wars” name.  Politicians, Army officers and newspaper writers in Europe and the United States¹ were doubtful the war would bring a ‘lasting peace’.  Most would not go so far as to say the the World War would not only fail to lay the ground work for a peace keeping global initiative, but set in motion the mechanism of a second world war².  Some of them thought so.

Eye wittness rendering of original envelope

Woodrow Wilson was wise enough to see punitive terms of a treaty would draw out the war and increase long term international bitterness.  This is what the League of Nations was all about, or would have been if it were not watered down by France and the United States Congress.

The most reliable explanation is an unnamed time traveler slipped-up and called the war by it’s common name.  However, the only source is from the one-time time travelers convention hosted by MIT in 2005.  Though the confession was found in a futuristic envelope on the floor after the convention, it checks out as authentic because the envelope was a living plant bio-engineered to function as an envelope.

The FBI has held the remainder of the envelope’s contents in the years since the convention, though the FBI denies it to this day.  They and only they know for certain what other secrets were revealed by the mysterious letter.

Notes:

¹But not in Canada.
²Modernly capitalized as a proper noun.

1972 Olympic White Gold a “Disappointment”

The designers of the gold medals for the 1972 Munich games reached outside of the box by using white gold for the first-place medal, instead of the traditional “yellow” gold. “We wanted the world to get something better here. Everybody has always given yellow gold, and that’s just not going to work any more,” said Bavarian born Helmut Ubervolk,”so we rejected all the traditions¹ and made the champion’s medal from the finest type of gold.  We really made something better than everything else before it.”

“I won, and I think they gave me silver.” said Lones Wigger still visibly confused. “I mean it looks just like [Boris] Melnik’s²”

The medals caused many to question the judgment of the IOC³, but it stood strong by it’s decision to use white gold.  Even when several fights broke out on the medal stands during the awards ceremonies.

“I am going to kill those clowns, I worked all my life for this, I won.  I can’t live like this anymore.”

The Olympic spirit lives on.

Notes:
¹Including good sense.
²U.S.S.R. Silver Medalist, and accomplished little-Russian-accordion player.
³International Olive Counsel.

France Seceded From Earth In 1982

The 1982 World’s Fair has been considered to be one of the most successful World’s Fairs with over eleven million visitors. In Knoxville the excitement remains, and to this very day it is referred to as “The Great Diddy”¹. The global festival, international goodwill, and the equal valuation of all peoples and cultures was too much for the French to swallow.

The French, already sick and tired of sharing land, water, and air with the other peoples of the world², were not going to then share their share of self-importance and unfounded pride. The French reaction to the World’s Fair was somewhat predictable given the nationwide ulcers after the creation of the United Nations.

All Frenchmen who attended the 1982 Worlds Fair were appalled to share an event with such pathetic countries as Hungry, Peru, and West Germany³. All 5,012 French visitors vomited upon hearing of such absurdities as global brotherhood, and international fraternity.

The French Secession of 1982 was only enacted after video of the event was shown on French National Television⁴, and the people of France demanded to separate and rise above the garbage that was the world. The act was reversed later that year by the lower house of parliament, due to the out cry from West Germany, which frightened the French peasantry⁵.

Notes:

¹Also called “The Grand Diddy”, “The Great Thingy”, and “Wonderaloo”.

²They are, however, willing to give it to Germany upon request.

³ Now called western Germany

⁴ Channel Quatre “Se Rendre”

⁵Feudelism had not been in France for nearly 200 years, but, as in most Western countries the rich still considered the poor people to be worthless and the name “just kinda stuck”. Not in the way a car with out wheels is worthless, more like the way a degree in philosophy is worthless.