World War One Named By Pessimists In 1915

Pessimists

At the time nobody understood why it was called World War One, and the reasons would not become entirely clear for twenty-five years.  It has been a mystery whether it was staggering pessimism or grandiose foresight.   The truth is far more terrifying.

It is true, there were skeptics to the “War to End All Wars” name.  Politicians, Army officers and newspaper writers in Europe and the United States¹ were doubtful the war would bring a ‘lasting peace’.  Most would not go so far as to say the the World War would not only fail to lay the ground work for a peace keeping global initiative, but set in motion the mechanism of a second world war².  Some of them thought so.

Eye wittness rendering of original envelope

Woodrow Wilson was wise enough to see punitive terms of a treaty would draw out the war and increase long term international bitterness.  This is what the League of Nations was all about, or would have been if it were not watered down by France and the United States Congress.

The most reliable explanation is an unnamed time traveler slipped-up and called the war by it’s common name.  However, the only source is from the one-time time travelers convention hosted by MIT in 2005.  Though the confession was found in a futuristic envelope on the floor after the convention, it checks out as authentic because the envelope was a living plant bio-engineered to function as an envelope.

The FBI has held the remainder of the envelope’s contents in the years since the convention, though the FBI denies it to this day.  They and only they know for certain what other secrets were revealed by the mysterious letter.

Notes:

¹But not in Canada.
²Modernly capitalized as a proper noun.

KITT Failed Emissions Test, Hit Rock Bottom

I frequently had sex in that car, I didn't know it was really able to think.

KITT, commonly understood to stand for Knight Industries Talking Toy, was the co-star of the wildly popular TV series “Knight Rider” and a sentient being¹.  By all outward appearances KITT was a Pontiac Grand Am, but inside he was “dark and secretive,” says Dan Gurfinger, the studio mechanic.

After the series “Knight Rider” ended in 1986 KITT fell on hard times.  Americans no longer wanted a car that talked back, they wanted a car that was reliable, affordable, and got 25+ MPG.   In the spring of 1988 KITT found himself living² on the street.

Things did not get any better for KITT, California is a dangerous place to be a car.  KITT was in several “fender benders”³, three major wrecks, and an unknown number of parking lot “dings”.  Routinely the homeless would sleep and BM in KITT’s back seat, or teenagers would steal KITT for a joy-ride and try to steal the stereo⁴.

The last straw came when California increased it’s emissions standards for non-commercial vehicles.  KITT’s programming forced him to comply with all laws, even the ones that would destroy him.

It was years later, when the network wanted to do a reunion show, people were unable to find KITT.  A private detective tracked KITT down and was able to confirm what everybody had feared.  KITT had been placed in a scrapyard, destroyed, melted and forged anew in drywall screws.

Notes:

¹At the time very few people knew the term sentient, as “Star Trek: The Next Generation” would not come to television until 1987.
²Driving, parking.
³All the fault of uninsured drivers.
⁴This of course left KITT mute, and unable to seek the help he needed.

Buckyballs Discovered To Have A Creamy Delicious Center

A Computer Model of a Buckyball

A new discovery by Dr. Greg Gomer at the University of Arizona has left the scientific community in a frenzy. A feeding frenzy that is.

Buckyballs or C₆₀ is a form of carbon much like diamond or graphite. Named after Richard Buckminster Fuller, Buckyballs are carbon atoms bonded to three other carbons in a shape like a soccer ball. Many applications to science have been considered for this new phase of carbon, but none have gone as far as this.

Dr. Greg Gomer has discovered that underneath the lattice of carbon on the surface of the Buckyball lies a rich nougatey core. As an organic chemist Gomer was researching Buckyballs at the cutting edge facilities located in the University. Gomer later remarked, “I tested all kinds of chemical and physical properties, but I thought, shoot. Did anyone try eating them?”

Dr. Gomer’s lab assistants tried to stop him but to no avail. Gomer traded good lab practice much like a single replacement reaction. After consuming approximately 6.02×10^23 Buckyballs, Gomer’s eyes lit up and a smile raked across his face. His assistant was quoted as saying, “I’ve never seen him like this. It was like he was happy and not dead inside”.

The theory that Dr. Gomer and his assistants are presenting is that the core of the Buckyball is composed of rapidly moving electrons. These electrons have very high speeds and then collide to form new particles of matter. These new particles, tastons, are light and fluffy and give the Buckyball it’s distinct flavor. Market analysts predict that taston development and research is the new groundbreaking field in Chemistry. “We would like to make a Diet Buckyball if possible” says Gomer.

Dr. Gomer has since retired from the University and now sells these wonderful molecules on the street from the trunk of his car. The “stand” is located next to Taco Johns and sells Buckyballs in three sizes; Milli-Mole, Centi-Mole, and Deci-Mole.

Microsoft Glitch Caused Tax Breaks Of 1993

Suspected computer ceased from the House of Representatives office complex during an unrelated investigation.

Due to a software problem in the congressional offices of Rep. Owen B. Pickett (D-VA)¹, Americas richest forty-two percent were required to pay no taxes at all for the tax year 1993. The problem was in Microsoft’s spreadsheet application Office Excel. When the rates were calculated using Excel version 4.0, it was the richest 1 percent paying 80 percent of their income to the federal government. However, the Kinko’s on 7th Street NW near the Capital building had already upgraded to version 5.0².

The Kinko’s was able to open and print the legislation but the bill passed by the House and Senate, and signed into law by Bill Clinton gave the largest and most disproportionate tax break for the richest in American history³.

The problem was not just backwards compatibility issue, but an issue of systemic legislative failure⁴. Nobody bothered to proof-read the final copy of what was made law. Once it was passed it was rigidly enforced by the mindless bureaucracy of the Federal Government. Partisan conflict as well and infighting among Democrats prevented the passing of a provisional law to correct the misprint.

“Look, we have a lot of work to do here. We don’t have time to read every piece of legislation,” remarked a House aid. When asked what other work they have to do she answered, “What do you mean what else do we have to do with our time? We meet with lobbyists, a lot of lobbyists.”

When asked if they thought the new tax rates were strange an IRS official said, “Look if we go questioning laws that are unjust or illogical, we wouldn’t be known as witless lemmings.”

Notes:

¹Virginia’s 2nd district, “The Fightin’ Second”.

²Excel version 5.0 has also been called ReaganWare^TM and Gates Bane.

³That is in the history of the United States. In 1753 there was a poverty tax, which lightened the tax burden on the richer half of the population. Also in 1933 Canada tried to recover from the global depression by lifting taxes on the richest and coining the phrase “Reaganomics”

⁴A patch was installed by the American people in the 1994 Congressional elections.

The History of TheFaceBook.com

Where did the thefacebook.com originate? Scholars suppose it came from an Eastern tradition tracing back to the mid sixteenth century. The thefacebook.com has popped up on campuses most recently; however, it serves the same purpose in the Indian sub-continent and Tibet today as it has for over four hundred years. During the nineteen sixties thefacebook.com was used by steelworkers and coal miners to keep track of colleagues and to share superficial information about themselves to the world. Before that it was used by the Polish resistance in the Second World War. The social networking tool was not useful for communicating war related intelligence, but it did allow those who opposed the Nazis to feel like they kept in touch with old friends and all also to feel like they had many friends.

Thefacebook.com has a rich history as a nonsensical waste of resources, during times of greater need. It would be a sad loss if we had to sacrifice thefacebook.com, so that it could be used to organize true logistical needs. It has and will always be there to tell us that we have friends and are well liked among our friends. Research shows thefacebook.com will always be around and in no way is a fad.

So join in, put your insecurities about social ineptitude to rest, and find the large group of friends who like you that you didn’t know you had.