Normal To Outlaw Students

The Town of Normal Illinois (home of Illinois State University) has taken a bold step to curb the problems caused by 20,000 eighteen to twenty-three year olds living in the town nine months out of the year. The city fathers have put a referendum on the 2008 ballot making illegal to be a student in Normal Illinois.

If passed, the referendum will empower police to deport suspected students¹ to Bloomington² for the first offense³. All former students will be required to register with the sanitation department, and they will be treated like sex-offenders.

“I think the Town of Normal is acting in its best interest, and I understand these actors[sic] taken against the student population. I would not have done it this way, nor would my colleagues, but we support the Town of Normal and will assist them in any way we can.” Said an official statement released by Illinois State University President Alfonse Bomem. Bomem later said in a telephone interview, “I live in Normal, and I know what it’s like to have them yelling as they walk down the streets and they over crowd my favorite bars and dance clubs. I hate all of the students.”

Business owners are conflicted about this new law. “Most of my customers are ISU students and nearly all my employees are too, but, man, I hate them all so much”, Sal ‘Dogger’ Kollenmyer says.

There is no conflict in the hearts of the residents of Normal. Life long Normalite Gike Merber said, “They always drive down property values and if one moves in, like twenty move in, and they park everywhere.” In a later interview he said,”I hate all students.”

A recent graduate, who requested to remain unnamed⁴, said,”When I was a student, I thought we should get the same treatment as others who live in Normal. But now I am living and working here, I just wish they would go away.”

Even current ISU students are unsure what they think of the referendum. Henry N. of Palintine, a sophmore and Sociology major says,”I don’t want to be deported, but I can see why they hate us. We suck, I hate most of the students here.”⁵

Notes:

¹Persons aged 17-25 enrolled in 12 or more credit hours.

²Bloomington, IN.

³Second offenders will be flown to France.

⁴Request denied: Alex Johnson.

⁵Also quoted as saying, “Hey, why didn’t you block out my eyes like you did for that other guy?”