Raccoons Placed On Endangered Species List

Not roadkill, this raccoon starved to death. He was incidently on the road when he died.

The International Union for the Conservation of Nature and Natural Resources¹ has placed the North American Raccoon² on the Red List of Threatened Species³.

In recent years the raccoon population has dwindled from ten males⁴ per square mile to one male in eight square miles. Where once a person could expect their trash and shed to be invaded by these large diseased rodents; now there are only squirrels⁵. Studies⁶ suggest that if we as humans do not change our ways the North American Raccoon could soon be gone forever.

There are several things researchers say are causing the decline of this once dominate species. “Raccoons are fine.” says Dr. Lonnie Sams, a professor of biology at UCLA⁷, “It’s people that are the problem. Raccoons depend on our unsecured garbage cans and pet food. In the last ten years, we’ve seen campgrounds and private residences alike start using pest-proof receptacles. People are removing their dog’s food from the yard at night. It is arrogant to think that actions like these don’t have a huge impact on our cohabitants.”

“Human activities are not causing the decline in Raccoon population.” Henry Kissinger finds himself explaining this nearly as often as he has to explain that he is not the German born former Secretary of State. “These raccoons are in a low peak of their population cycle. I am sick and tired of explaining that I never served on Nixon’s cabinet, and these twisted liberals distorting science at the expense of the American Dream.”

“You tell that war monger that there is nothing twisted about liberals, it’s the Republicans who are marching us back to war and to a horrible raccoon-free world.” retorted Dr. Sams.

“I will tell you again, I am not that Henry Kissinger.”

The crazy woman and the raccoon she calls her husband.

Despite the disagreement among people who like to argue, some people have taken it upon themselves to help in their own corner of the world. “I’ve fed this little guy doughnuts in order to help.” said a crazy lady who than pressed her palms to her mouth and made a flatulent noise, and ran from the room singing “I am Jesus, hear me roar”.

“I host several Triggles⁸ for dinner every night, what ever they leave is what I eat at the end of the night.” Steve Moonbeam lives what he preaches, by valuing all animals as much as he values himself. Steve has made some compromises by taking vitamins to recover from malnutrition. “We are all God’s children, and the animals are like God’s pets.”

Notes:

¹ Tree Huggers
² Raccoons are only found in North America
³ Not to be confused with the Soviet Unions version “Red’s List of Threatened Species”
⁴ called “Bulls”
⁵ also mice, possum, rabbits, chinchillas, and rats.
⁶ speculation by amaturs.
⁷ Upper-Chicago Ladies Academy.
⁸ a family of raccoons.