Mythbusters Accidently Give Life to “Buster”

 

Moments before unspeakable evils were unleashed

The new season of Mythbusters boasts a bigger budget and new outrageous myths to tackle with the fundamental elements of the scientific method¹. Nothing could have prepared them, however, for what happened while taking on a myth about the Occult. This seemingly innocent myth animated the popular crash test dummy, Buster, and sent him on a rampage.

 

The myth involved a dark ancient ceremony found on parchment dating from ancient Egypt. The myth presented here was that the ceremony would give life to any humanoid doll. The “animated” doll would be complete with emotions, memories, and a will of its own². The ceremony was played out on Buster during a full moon last lunar cycle. The details are still unknown on what the ceremony involved, but sources³ say it involved a night of candles, sheep’s blood, a virgin sacrifice, and a quick run to late night Wendy’s⁴.

“We knew something had gone wrong almost immediately,” said Marvis Bacon, a boom mike operator. “Buster’s hands started moving on their own and became a fist. That’s when the killing spree began.”

Few survived what is now being referred to as the “Buster Apocalypse”. One can only guess where the seemingly insatiable hatred expressed by this dummy came from. Buster with his inhuman strength dragged Jamie by his ankles to the roof and threw him off⁵. Adam did not escape either as Buster poured gasoline on him and burned him alive. Buster then grabbed a sword and massacred the rest of the Mythbusters cast and crew.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the family of the 97 deceased members of the Mythbusters crew.

Notes:

¹ Setting things on fire.
² Free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment.
³ Imaginary sources.
⁴ Virgins were not in short supply with the cast and crew of Mythbusters.
⁵ Testing the myth of human flight.

Lyme Disease And Syphilis Are The Same Thing

A promiscuous outdoor enthusiast is not terribly difficult to come by.  What is rare is when such a person is a pathologist.

Stan Roberts of the Center for Disease Control, avid back country hiker, and office man-whore has made this recent discovery.

“I felt a little ill when I returned from a canoeing trip in Canada.  I decided to just run a few tests to see if I picked up anything during travel.  I found out I had Lyme Disease, and that makes you wonder if you all this outdoor living is worth the risks.  But then, Holly in accounting came down with syphilis, out of nowhere.  Then it was Kelly from IT.  I thought I had dodged two bullets having recently slept with both of them.  Wanting to be sure I tested myself for syphilis.  The test came back positive.  I was devastated to learn I had syphilis and Lyme Disease.  But with all this testing I some of the samples got mixed up, and I accidentally sent Holly’s and Kelley’s blood samples to be tested as well.”

Syphilis had been called the “French disease” in Italy and Germany, and the “Italian disease” in France. In addition, the Dutch called it the “Spanish disease”, the Russians called it the “Polish disease”, the Turks called it the “Christian disease” or “Frank disease” (frengi) and the Tahitians called it the “British disease”. These ‘national’ names are due to the disease often being present among invading armies or sea crews, due to the high incidence of unprotected sexual contact with prostitutes.  The ulcers suffered by British soldiers in Portugal were termed “The Black Lion”.

The Crap Has Hit the Fan

Earlier today a large projectile of feces encountered a fast rotating steel blade attached to a electric motor powered by a DC current converted from the AC current in a house electrical outlet. The feces was then scattered around the area of the fan in a circular pattern perpendicular to the contraption with a radius of three feet. 

The poop was seen to be thrown directly at the electrical appliance and then made contact with a sickening sound. Witness indicated that everything within the vicinity of the wind making device was covered with tiny poop particles.

Later, experts were able to show that what appeared to be a bowel movement traveling in a straight line was actually half of a parabolic projectile motion. This was cause for celebration for physicists but cause for annoyance for whoever has to clean it up.

Illinois Pummeled by Hurricane Gustav

Hurricane Gustav

Torrential rains cause minor inconvienences and millions of dollars of property damages¹ to the midwest². Rain has fallen for the last two days and there is no end in sight.

One victim from Normal, IL complained about his basement flooding and ruining blankets that were strewn across the floor.

Inversely, in Champaign, IL another victim complained about a window left open. “The water was blown into the room by the sheer force of nature³. Everything I own was ruined or became slightly damp.”

Numerous charities and rescue efforts have been set up. Minutes after the first raindrop Salvation Army’s mobile relief center drove up I-94⁴. Illinois long established⁵ hurricane relief plan was quickly put into action. The National Guard was called in to help the distribution of food.

Gustav is the worst hurricane Illinois has seen in the past decade⁶. Governor Rod Blagojevich was quoted as saying, “I’m just thankful hurricane season is almost over.”

Notes:

¹ Most damage from clogged gutters and discarded socks.
² Large uninhabitable region filled with corn.
³ It’s raining sideways.
⁴ And immediately got caught in construction traffic.
⁵ Rarely used.
⁶ One solemnly remembers the horrors of Hurricane Ernesto.