KITT Failed Emissions Test, Hit Rock Bottom

I frequently had sex in that car, I didn't know it was really able to think.

KITT, commonly understood to stand for Knight Industries Talking Toy, was the co-star of the wildly popular TV series “Knight Rider” and a sentient being¹.  By all outward appearances KITT was a Pontiac Grand Am, but inside he was “dark and secretive,” says Dan Gurfinger, the studio mechanic.

After the series “Knight Rider” ended in 1986 KITT fell on hard times.  Americans no longer wanted a car that talked back, they wanted a car that was reliable, affordable, and got 25+ MPG.   In the spring of 1988 KITT found himself living² on the street.

Things did not get any better for KITT, California is a dangerous place to be a car.  KITT was in several “fender benders”³, three major wrecks, and an unknown number of parking lot “dings”.  Routinely the homeless would sleep and BM in KITT’s back seat, or teenagers would steal KITT for a joy-ride and try to steal the stereo⁴.

The last straw came when California increased it’s emissions standards for non-commercial vehicles.  KITT’s programming forced him to comply with all laws, even the ones that would destroy him.

It was years later, when the network wanted to do a reunion show, people were unable to find KITT.  A private detective tracked KITT down and was able to confirm what everybody had feared.  KITT had been placed in a scrapyard, destroyed, melted and forged anew in drywall screws.

Notes:

¹At the time very few people knew the term sentient, as “Star Trek: The Next Generation” would not come to television until 1987.
²Driving, parking.
³All the fault of uninsured drivers.
⁴This of course left KITT mute, and unable to seek the help he needed.

Illinois General Assembly Mandated Radio Stations Play Metallica Music

Unidentified Lobbiest Who Wrote the Bill

In 1998 the Illinois General Assembly enacted a bill to force radio station to play three consecutive Metallica songs at least once daily.  This requirement for radio is alike to station identification, emergency broadcast tests, and mindless banter for four hours starting at six every morning.   This was turbulent time in the Commonwealth of Illinois.

Governor Jim Edgar had all but endorsed Scientology, and was getting relations from his campaign manager.  Chicago sports teams, also inundated with the doctrines of Scientology, earned a reputation as amateurish¹.  There was also the flooding of the Mississippi (‘93 & ‘97²).

Also plaguing the airwaves was Alternative Rock and canned Hip-Hop acts, this prompted Illinois’ youth to act like depressed hippies or like inner-city thugs.    Schools and youth organizations were hopelessly trying to find young people who were angry social misfits.  Teenagers lacked the raw uncensored rage they had in the 1980s.

The 1980s were a fine time to live in Illinois.  The Bears were worthy of the killers they’re named after.  Lake Michigan wasn’t covered with a film of petrochemicals³.  The Mississippi, the sultry mistress of the west, stayed in her banks, but continued to seduce mid-westerners from Mediocre Moline to Glorious East St. Louis.  Most importantly, heavy metal music was played over the airwaves all day everyday.

It was an attempt to recapture the magic of the 1980s⁴, and perhaps it worked⁵.

Notes:
¹The Bulls don’t count, they belonged to everybody⁶.
²“93 was supposed to be a hundred year flood, so we didn’t move.”
³It was covered with petroleum processing byproduct, but it added to the shimmer of the lake at sunrise.
⁴The prohibition of alcohol was also considered to recapture the magic of the 1920s.
⁵Unlike prohibition.
⁶Now that they are Jordanless, they are the sole possesion of Chicago and it’s outlaying areas

Obama Currently Serving In Both U.S. Senate And Illinois State Senate

Barack Obama, favored to become the next President of the United States, is some times misidentified as formerly serving in the State Senate of Illinois.  The truth is, Obama has retained his State Senate seat, listed here.   This has never been done before, however it is not in violation of the United States Constitution¹ nor does it violate the Illinois Constitution².

Furthermore, Obama doesn’t plan on quitting anytime soon. “I will not resign either of my Senatorships should I become President.”

The idea is catching on. Sarah Palin tells us, “I also serve in the Canadian parliament, people don’t know that about me³.”

“Look, I want to fix Washington,” Obama tells us, “but a single office does not hold enough power to really change things.  That’s a large part of what is going wrong, power needs to be consolidated to one person.  That person should be me.  I would be Obama the Good, Obama the Wise, Obama the POWERFUL⁴.  Instead of a slow corrupted government you will have a glorious leader, all shall love me and despair.

“No. It shall not be so. I refuse that power.  I will be a servant of Congress, nothing more.  I have passed the test, and will diminish.”

Notes:
¹Nobody cares about the U.S. Constitution.
²Nobody has ever cared about state constitutions.
³She also can see Russia from her house.
⁴Tempestuous as the sea, and stronger than the foundations of the earth.

I Just Stole Thirty Million Dollars From the Nigerian Government With A Little Help From The Genocidal Former Dictator

My business associate: General Abacha

It must have been my reputation as a shrewd and wise business dealer, though I had no idea my reputation went so far as Africa, because I was approached by email by Clement Okon to help him access 42 million dollars which have been frozen during an investigation of former President-For-Life General Sani Abacha who was unjustly removed from power by a bloodthirsty mob of voters exercising democracy.

General Abacha is being accused of many “crimes against humanity” and that the $42 million was “stolen from the poorest of the nation”.    That is just the democraticly controlled news media and biased courts trying to line the public coffers by taking it from a man who gave a good portion of the best years of his life in the service of his country.

Conceptual image of what my garage will look like.

There are many barriers to retrieving the Generals money, that’s why they chose me to help.  I know a thing or three about getting things done in bureaucracies, I worked for University Housing when I was an undergrad at Illinois State University.  I owe much of my business sense and good judgment to my mentors at ISU.  GO REDBIRDS!

I know I need to grease the wheels a bit.  Nothing cuts through red tape like cold hard cash.  So I’ve sent $20,000 to Mr. Okon as an investment. AND WHAT AN INVESTMENT! I figure with my share of the money (around $30 million) I will pay off my student loans, and my house, and with the rest of the money I will respond to some of the others in Africa who have asked for financial assistance in similar matters, if those opprotunities are still available.  I don’t want to go into it here, sorry, I just don’t trust you not to try to beat me to them.

The check for $30 million should be here any day.

Fifty Year-Old Documents Prove Q-tip Executives Knew About Potential Inner Ear Damage

The manufacturers of Q-tips have stated on their packaging that the swabs are not to be used to clean wax from the ear canal.   Newly revealed memos and reports show it was known by the Q-tip company consumers were buying and using Q-tips exclusively to clean out waxy build-up in their inner-ears, endangering their eardrums.  The memos also show how the company positioned it’s self to profit from such misuse.

“They knew what they were selling when they were selling it,” Mark F. Kepler has worked for years to get warning labels on Q-tip packaging, “now we have the proof we need to shut them down for good.”  Kepler confesses he once used a cotton swab to remove some nasty ear-wax, “…but I’ve been clean since.  Not physically clean, I mean, that was twenty years ago and my ears produce a lot of wax.  So that part has not been clean, I mean I haven’t used them from that time on.”

In 1993 Clinton appointee Joycelyn Elders warned the American people of the danger and mandatory labeling was enacted by the U.S. Congress¹.

Elders says over email, “I am proud to have made such a meaningful contribution to this great nation. This is my legacy, this is what people remember me for.²“

Big Tobacco The cotton swab industry, lead by Q-tip,  have released the following statement:

We do not make a harmful product.  When used as recommended the swabs³ are perfectly safe to use. They are great for the outer ear, and for other things probably.  If some adults choose to use our swabs* perverting the intended use, we can’t be held accountable for the actions of a few deviant users.

Kepler points out that by not advocating for proper use, but explaining how exactly, step by step, not to use a Q-tip to clean the inner-ear.  “You see people wouldn’t need these things if not to clean the inner-ear.  This would have destroyed the cotton swab industry.  So they subtly told the public how great Q-tips were for this dangerous purpose, and weren’t very convincing about prohibiting it.”⁴

The memos themselves have not been examined by investigators, nor has Mark Kepler seen the memos.  However due to his tremendous expertise, we can trust his speculation.

Notes:

¹Nobody knows the difference between an act and a law, and there is no way to find out
²Really?
³The swabs may be Q-tip brand or a comparable swab of your choosing.
⁴After the interview Kepler confessed that his ears always felt nasty, and the world seemed muffled. Sometimes, he said, he would roll up a tissue and shove it in his ear, but it would bring no relief. Then he asked if we were off the record, and I said no. He asked if I would please not to print that last thing. I said I would think about it, but I already knew I would.

Rex Grossman Arrested For Keeping More Than 250 Cats In His Home

The image collectively remembered by public when Grossman is mentioned.

Rex Grossman, best known for his comical antics on the football field, has been arrested by Hammond Indiana Animal Police on 263 counts of animal endangerment and cruelty.  Under Indiana law Grossman could be fined up to $2,000 and serve one year in jail per animal found on his property.  The NFL re-released the statement from the Micheal Vick animal incident.

“It makes me sick,” David Warding of the Hammond Indiana Animal Police is often sick, he is lactose intolerant, “I mean morally, I am reacting physically to my emotions right now.  And there is a ton of cat feces and some dead cats here which I am also reacting to.  I also had some ice-cream earlier.”

Bears spokeswoman Julie Manning¹ at a press conference said, “We never thought Rex would have endangered animals, I guess we all assumed only good athletes did that.”  She then corrected herself, “Excuse me, we thought only allegedly good athletes did that.”

“The cats will be taken in to good homes where they will be loved”² , lied Warding, “Indiana doesn’t just throw living things away if they are undesirable.”  Warding continued like this for twenty minutes on this pro-life soap-box rant that can only be called ‘inhumane’.

Notes:
¹No relation, but she is the office pariah
²Cats actually sent to incinerator

Lyme Disease And Syphilis Are The Same Thing

A promiscuous outdoor enthusiast is not terribly difficult to come by.  What is rare is when such a person is a pathologist.

Stan Roberts of the Center for Disease Control, avid back country hiker, and office man-whore has made this recent discovery.

“I felt a little ill when I returned from a canoeing trip in Canada.  I decided to just run a few tests to see if I picked up anything during travel.  I found out I had Lyme Disease, and that makes you wonder if you all this outdoor living is worth the risks.  But then, Holly in accounting came down with syphilis, out of nowhere.  Then it was Kelly from IT.  I thought I had dodged two bullets having recently slept with both of them.  Wanting to be sure I tested myself for syphilis.  The test came back positive.  I was devastated to learn I had syphilis and Lyme Disease.  But with all this testing I some of the samples got mixed up, and I accidentally sent Holly’s and Kelley’s blood samples to be tested as well.”

Syphilis had been called the “French disease” in Italy and Germany, and the “Italian disease” in France. In addition, the Dutch called it the “Spanish disease”, the Russians called it the “Polish disease”, the Turks called it the “Christian disease” or “Frank disease” (frengi) and the Tahitians called it the “British disease”. These ‘national’ names are due to the disease often being present among invading armies or sea crews, due to the high incidence of unprotected sexual contact with prostitutes.  The ulcers suffered by British soldiers in Portugal were termed “The Black Lion”.

1972 Olympic White Gold a “Disappointment”

The designers of the gold medals for the 1972 Munich games reached outside of the box by using white gold for the first-place medal, instead of the traditional “yellow” gold. “We wanted the world to get something better here. Everybody has always given yellow gold, and that’s just not going to work any more,” said Bavarian born Helmut Ubervolk,”so we rejected all the traditions¹ and made the champion’s medal from the finest type of gold.  We really made something better than everything else before it.”

“I won, and I think they gave me silver.” said Lones Wigger still visibly confused. “I mean it looks just like [Boris] Melnik’s²“

The medals caused many to question the judgment of the IOC³, but it stood strong by it’s decision to use white gold.  Even when several fights broke out on the medal stands during the awards ceremonies.

“I am going to kill those clowns, I worked all my life for this, I won.  I can’t live like this anymore.”

The Olympic spirit lives on.

Notes:
¹Including good sense.
²U.S.S.R. Silver Medalist, and accomplished little-Russian-accordion player.
³International Olive Counsel.

The Crap Has Hit the Fan

Earlier today a large projectile of feces encountered a fast rotating steel blade attached to a electric motor powered by a DC current converted from the AC current in a house electrical outlet. The feces was then scattered around the area of the fan in a circular pattern perpendicular to the contraption with a radius of three feet. 

The poop was seen to be thrown directly at the electrical appliance and then made contact with a sickening sound. Witness indicated that everything within the vicinity of the wind making device was covered with tiny poop particles.

Later, experts were able to show that what appeared to be a bowel movement traveling in a straight line was actually half of a parabolic projectile motion. This was cause for celebration for physicists but cause for annoyance for whoever has to clean it up.

Illinois Pummeled by Hurricane Gustav

Hurricane Gustav

Torrential rains cause minor inconvienences and millions of dollars of property damages¹ to the midwest². Rain has fallen for the last two days and there is no end in sight.

One victim from Normal, IL complained about his basement flooding and ruining blankets that were strewn across the floor.

Inversely, in Champaign, IL another victim complained about a window left open. “The water was blown into the room by the sheer force of nature³. Everything I own was ruined or became slightly damp.”

Numerous charities and rescue efforts have been set up. Minutes after the first raindrop Salvation Army’s mobile relief center drove up I-94⁴. Illinois long established⁵ hurricane relief plan was quickly put into action. The National Guard was called in to help the distribution of food.

Gustav is the worst hurricane Illinois has seen in the past decade⁶. Governor Rod Blagojevich was quoted as saying, “I’m just thankful hurricane season is almost over.”

Notes:

¹ Most damage from clogged gutters and discarded socks.
² Large uninhabitable region filled with corn.
³ It’s raining sideways.
⁴ And immediately got caught in construction traffic.
⁵ Rarely used.
⁶ One solemnly remembers the horrors of Hurricane Ernesto.