Large Hairy Man Engaged to Beautiful Woman

Conceptual Image

On Friday, August 22nd a short bi-pedal land mammal shocked the Bloomington-Normal community¹ by proposing to Krutsky². In an auditorium filled with unsuspecting friends and family what appeared to be a large mass of hair in a suit approached the stage. When the creature’s matted hairy hands grabbed a guitar most recognized him³ as the woolly beast that has been stalking the Illinois State University campus for the past four years. It took her completely by surprise and began to serenade her with a love song.

Rather than making a growling sound or a werewolf’s howl, his voice was smooth and beautiful. His song spoke of tender emotional passion and romance. His voice reflected the hard work he’d put into becoming a sensitive man⁴. His was a heart made for love and accustomed to sorrow. His voice trained to sing sappy break-up songs, now sung a sappy love song. The thing clearly wanted her to love him back for all times⁵. Now, Krusky can look forward to being loved⁶ for the rest of her life by this thing.

“Well we’ve been dating for several years and he is so sweet⁷,” Considering her dilemma she is dealing with it well, “and the song was so nice.”

“She is so brave, and he is so horrible.” Said a person⁸ close to Krutsky.

Notes:
¹ Nay, even the world.
² Perhaps more shocking that she said yes.
³ Luke started crying thinking his Dad was going to be attacked.
⁴ Or yeti.
⁵ Thats how he wants it, so, he gets it.
⁶ More likely to be mauled.
⁷ His hobbies include not writing for a blog that he committed to.
⁸ Or people.

Obama Victory Could Vindicate Long Oppressed People

Racism, in all its forms, has plagued the United States. Be it the direct and brutal subjugation of slavery, or the oppressive political policies of Jim Crow, race has been a difficult place for Americans to find unity.  It’s solution has been elusive as well.  Several generations of equality legislation, public demonstration, and  childrens education have been unable to scour the scourge from our population. However, Obama’s victory will once and for all settle the issue of racism and four hundred years of slavery.

The stuggle will be over soon if Barack Obama wins the 2008 presidential election. His ascension to the highest office in the land will heal all the wounds and erase all scars of this sensitive and painful part of our collective conscience.

“I know I will no longer be racist when I vote for Barack Obama,” Terri Gardner has been called racist before, “It hurts more than it should, I know I shouldn’t let it get to me.  But I want to be able to respond to allgations of racism by claiming to have voted for Obama, because there is no way to prove if I did or didn’t.”

Maxwell Witherby has a different view, “This has been the holy grail for civil rights from the beginning¹. Growing up I didn’t think I would become president or even see an African American move into the White House, but I know now that my kids will grow-up knowing they will become President.”

“He must mean his kids will grow-up knowing they could become President.  And Maxwell Witherby doesn’t sound like a black persons name.” Gardner added in our conference call.

“You’re just a racist, discouraging black youths from aspiring to great things or having snooty sounding names.” Witherby retorted.

“No, I’m voting for Obama in November.”

“That doesn’t work yet.”

Maxwell Witherby is right, Americas wounds inflicted by centuries of slavery, bigotry, hate, and discrimination are all still breeding profusely.  Obama’s election² will heal all these and more, but as Witherby stated, “That doesn’t work yet.”

Notes:
¹ unverified
² or inauguration, or possibly re-election

Marble Slab Creamery Unveils New “Type Two Diabetes Cone”

Marble Slab Creamery unveiled a new “Type Two Diabetes Cone”¹ as part of their Premier Friday promotion². This cone contains two scoops of cotton candy ice cream, marshmallows, sprinkles, high fructose corn syrup, chocolate chips, sugar, coffee beans, whip cream, red dye number 40, gummy bears, and a cherry on top³.

When asked by a startled community, “Why? For the love of God⁴ and all that is Holy, why would you do such a thing?” Marble Slab responded by saying it is giving America what it wants.⁵

“America wants things fast and it wants things now,” said Marble Slab CEO Bernard Fonda, “I think America is tired of waiting for Type Two Diabetes”. The CEO then showed the press conference his insulin prescription and the staggering success of this new dish⁶.

It seems America is prime and ready for this new dessert. Almost as if we had been as a society prepared for this all along.

Notes:

¹ It will cause Type Two Diabetes. It is not meant as an alternative dessert for those with diabetes. Two diabetes patients have already died, and three remain in comas because of this simple misunderstanding.
² Next Friday introduces Type Three Diabetes.
³ Served with a lime twist where available.
⁴ Or Science.
⁵ Thats how he wants it, so, he gets it.
⁶ Marble Slab showed a 2% increase over last quarter.

Raccoons Placed On Endangered Species List

Not roadkill, this raccoon starved to death. He was incidently on the road when he died.

The International Union for the Conservation of Nature and Natural Resources¹ has placed the North American Raccoon² on the Red List of Threatened Species³.

In recent years the raccoon population has dwindled from ten males⁴ per square mile to one male in eight square miles. Where once a person could expect their trash and shed to be invaded by these large diseased rodents; now there are only squirrels⁵. Studies⁶ suggest that if we as humans do not change our ways the North American Raccoon could soon be gone forever.

There are several things researchers say are causing the decline of this once dominate species. “Raccoons are fine.” says Dr. Lonnie Sams, a professor of biology at UCLA⁷, “It’s people that are the problem. Raccoons depend on our unsecured garbage cans and pet food. In the last ten years, we’ve seen campgrounds and private residences alike start using pest-proof receptacles. People are removing their dog’s food from the yard at night. It is arrogant to think that actions like these don’t have a huge impact on our cohabitants.”

“Human activities are not causing the decline in Raccoon population.” Henry Kissinger finds himself explaining this nearly as often as he has to explain that he is not the German born former Secretary of State. “These raccoons are in a low peak of their population cycle. I am sick and tired of explaining that I never served on Nixon’s cabinet, and these twisted liberals distorting science at the expense of the American Dream.”

“You tell that war monger that there is nothing twisted about liberals, it’s the Republicans who are marching us back to war and to a horrible raccoon-free world.” retorted Dr. Sams.

“I will tell you again, I am not that Henry Kissinger.”

The crazy woman and the raccoon she calls her husband.

Despite the disagreement among people who like to argue, some people have taken it upon themselves to help in their own corner of the world. “I’ve fed this little guy doughnuts in order to help.” said a crazy lady who than pressed her palms to her mouth and made a flatulent noise, and ran from the room singing “I am Jesus, hear me roar”.

“I host several Triggles⁸ for dinner every night, what ever they leave is what I eat at the end of the night.” Steve Moonbeam lives what he preaches, by valuing all animals as much as he values himself. Steve has made some compromises by taking vitamins to recover from malnutrition. “We are all God’s children, and the animals are like God’s pets.”

Notes:

¹ Tree Huggers
² Raccoons are only found in North America
³ Not to be confused with the Soviet Unions version “Red’s List of Threatened Species”
⁴ called “Bulls”
⁵ also mice, possum, rabbits, chinchillas, and rats.
⁶ speculation by amaturs.
⁷ Upper-Chicago Ladies Academy.
⁸ a family of raccoons.

Buckyballs Discovered To Have A Creamy Delicious Center

A Computer Model of a Buckyball

A new discovery by Dr. Greg Gomer at the University of Arizona has left the scientific community in a frenzy. A feeding frenzy that is.

Buckyballs or C₆₀ is a form of carbon much like diamond or graphite. Named after Richard Buckminster Fuller, Buckyballs are carbon atoms bonded to three other carbons in a shape like a soccer ball. Many applications to science have been considered for this new phase of carbon, but none have gone as far as this.

Dr. Greg Gomer has discovered that underneath the lattice of carbon on the surface of the Buckyball lies a rich nougatey core. As an organic chemist Gomer was researching Buckyballs at the cutting edge facilities located in the University. Gomer later remarked, “I tested all kinds of chemical and physical properties, but I thought, shoot. Did anyone try eating them?”

Dr. Gomer’s lab assistants tried to stop him but to no avail. Gomer traded good lab practice much like a single replacement reaction. After consuming approximately 6.02×10^23 Buckyballs, Gomer’s eyes lit up and a smile raked across his face. His assistant was quoted as saying, “I’ve never seen him like this. It was like he was happy and not dead inside”.

The theory that Dr. Gomer and his assistants are presenting is that the core of the Buckyball is composed of rapidly moving electrons. These electrons have very high speeds and then collide to form new particles of matter. These new particles, tastons, are light and fluffy and give the Buckyball it’s distinct flavor. Market analysts predict that taston development and research is the new groundbreaking field in Chemistry. “We would like to make a Diet Buckyball if possible” says Gomer.

Dr. Gomer has since retired from the University and now sells these wonderful molecules on the street from the trunk of his car. The “stand” is located next to Taco Johns and sells Buckyballs in three sizes; Milli-Mole, Centi-Mole, and Deci-Mole.

Microsoft Glitch Caused Tax Breaks Of 1993

Suspected computer ceased from the House of Representatives office complex during an unrelated investigation.

Due to a software problem in the congressional offices of Rep. Owen B. Pickett (D-VA)¹, Americas richest forty-two percent were required to pay no taxes at all for the tax year 1993. The problem was in Microsoft’s spreadsheet application Office Excel. When the rates were calculated using Excel version 4.0, it was the richest 1 percent paying 80 percent of their income to the federal government. However, the Kinko’s on 7th Street NW near the Capital building had already upgraded to version 5.0².

The Kinko’s was able to open and print the legislation but the bill passed by the House and Senate, and signed into law by Bill Clinton gave the largest and most disproportionate tax break for the richest in American history³.

The problem was not just backwards compatibility issue, but an issue of systemic legislative failure⁴. Nobody bothered to proof-read the final copy of what was made law. Once it was passed it was rigidly enforced by the mindless bureaucracy of the Federal Government. Partisan conflict as well and infighting among Democrats prevented the passing of a provisional law to correct the misprint.

“Look, we have a lot of work to do here. We don’t have time to read every piece of legislation,” remarked a House aid. When asked what other work they have to do she answered, “What do you mean what else do we have to do with our time? We meet with lobbyists, a lot of lobbyists.”

When asked if they thought the new tax rates were strange an IRS official said, “Look if we go questioning laws that are unjust or illogical, we wouldn’t be known as witless lemmings.”

Notes:

¹Virginia’s 2nd district, “The Fightin’ Second”.

²Excel version 5.0 has also been called ReaganWare^TM and Gates Bane.

³That is in the history of the United States. In 1753 there was a poverty tax, which lightened the tax burden on the richer half of the population. Also in 1933 Canada tried to recover from the global depression by lifting taxes on the richest and coining the phrase “Reaganomics”

⁴A patch was installed by the American people in the 1994 Congressional elections.