Normal To Outlaw Students

The Town of Normal Illinois (home of Illinois State University) has taken a bold step to curb the problems caused by 20,000 eighteen to twenty-three year olds living in the town nine months out of the year. The city fathers have put a referendum on the 2008 ballot making illegal to be a student in Normal Illinois.

If passed, the referendum will empower police to deport suspected students¹ to Bloomington² for the first offense³. All former students will be required to register with the sanitation department, and they will be treated like sex-offenders.

“I think the Town of Normal is acting in its best interest, and I understand these actors[sic] taken against the student population. I would not have done it this way, nor would my colleagues, but we support the Town of Normal and will assist them in any way we can.” Said an official statement released by Illinois State University President Alfonse Bomem. Bomem later said in a telephone interview, “I live in Normal, and I know what it’s like to have them yelling as they walk down the streets and they over crowd my favorite bars and dance clubs. I hate all of the students.”

Business owners are conflicted about this new law. “Most of my customers are ISU students and nearly all my employees are too, but, man, I hate them all so much”, Sal ‘Dogger’ Kollenmyer says.

There is no conflict in the hearts of the residents of Normal. Life long Normalite Gike Merber said, “They always drive down property values and if one moves in, like twenty move in, and they park everywhere.” In a later interview he said,”I hate all students.”

A recent graduate, who requested to remain unnamed⁴, said,”When I was a student, I thought we should get the same treatment as others who live in Normal. But now I am living and working here, I just wish they would go away.”

Even current ISU students are unsure what they think of the referendum. Henry N. of Palintine, a sophmore and Sociology major says,”I don’t want to be deported, but I can see why they hate us. We suck, I hate most of the students here.”⁵

Notes:

¹Persons aged 17-25 enrolled in 12 or more credit hours.

²Bloomington, IN.

³Second offenders will be flown to France.

⁴Request denied: Alex Johnson.

⁵Also quoted as saying, “Hey, why didn’t you block out my eyes like you did for that other guy?”

France Seceded From Earth In 1982

The 1982 World’s Fair has been considered to be one of the most successful World’s Fairs with over eleven million visitors. In Knoxville the excitement remains, and to this very day it is referred to as “The Great Diddy”¹. The global festival, international goodwill, and the equal valuation of all peoples and cultures was too much for the French to swallow.

The French, already sick and tired of sharing land, water, and air with the other peoples of the world², were not going to then share their share of self-importance and unfounded pride. The French reaction to the World’s Fair was somewhat predictable given the nationwide ulcers after the creation of the United Nations.

All Frenchmen who attended the 1982 Worlds Fair were appalled to share an event with such pathetic countries as Hungry, Peru, and West Germany³. All 5,012 French visitors vomited upon hearing of such absurdities as global brotherhood, and international fraternity.

The French Secession of 1982 was only enacted after video of the event was shown on French National Television⁴, and the people of France demanded to separate and rise above the garbage that was the world. The act was reversed later that year by the lower house of parliament, due to the out cry from West Germany, which frightened the French peasantry⁵.

Notes:

¹Also called “The Grand Diddy”, “The Great Thingy”, and “Wonderaloo”.

²They are, however, willing to give it to Germany upon request.

³ Now called western Germany

⁴ Channel Quatre “Se Rendre“

⁵Feudelism had not been in France for nearly 200 years, but, as in most Western countries the rich still considered the poor people to be worthless and the name “just kinda stuck”. Not in the way a car with out wheels is worthless, more like the way a degree in philosophy is worthless.

The History of TheFaceBook.com

Where did the thefacebook.com originate? Scholars suppose it came from an Eastern tradition tracing back to the mid sixteenth century. The thefacebook.com has popped up on campuses most recently; however, it serves the same purpose in the Indian sub-continent and Tibet today as it has for over four hundred years. During the nineteen sixties thefacebook.com was used by steelworkers and coal miners to keep track of colleagues and to share superficial information about themselves to the world. Before that it was used by the Polish resistance in the Second World War. The social networking tool was not useful for communicating war related intelligence, but it did allow those who opposed the Nazis to feel like they kept in touch with old friends and all also to feel like they had many friends.

Thefacebook.com has a rich history as a nonsensical waste of resources, during times of greater need. It would be a sad loss if we had to sacrifice thefacebook.com, so that it could be used to organize true logistical needs. It has and will always be there to tell us that we have friends and are well liked among our friends. Research shows thefacebook.com will always be around and in no way is a fad.

So join in, put your insecurities about social ineptitude to rest, and find the large group of friends who like you that you didn’t know you had.

Candidates Historically Travel Abroad

In 1808 the Federalists faced an up-hill battle in the presidential campaign. The Democratic-Republican James Madison was a seasoned statesman with robust diplomatic experience. The charge coming from the (Democratic-Republican biased) newspapers was that Charles Cotesworth Pinckney did not have the foreign policy experience to lead the world’s eighteenth most powerful nation¹. Pinckney answered back with the most outstanding campaign ever run this side of the Rhine, in that it crossed the Rhine.

In order to prove his legitimacy to become the head of state and commander ‘n chief Pinckney incorporated a Eurasian tour into his domestic election. So he headed to Madrid to negotiate peace between Napoleon and Ferdinand. Even though Pinckney had negative relations with the French², and no American politician was looked on favorably by royalty.

He also toured Hindoostan³ and Tartary⁴ in order to cultivate an image of good will abroad.

This grand campaign was not enough to convince the people of the United States of his worthiness to enter office and prove beyond all doubt of his unworthiness.

William McKinley also made a last minute dash to buff-up his foreign policy experience. McKinley visited Athens two weeks before the first Olympiad. While in Athens he railed against Marxism⁵ to a bewildered crowd⁶. He wrapped up his tour by visiting Machuria⁷ and Hindustan⁸ in order to open up new markets to exploit.

Unlike Pinckney, McKinley won the election and the right prove himself entirely inadequate.

Notes:

¹Rankings based on military bluster and saber rattling.
²Napoleon called on him in the middle of the night before the negotiation, pleading with him to go home and kill himself.
³Now called India.
⁴Now the North-East part of China.
⁵McKinley also spoke out against other new ideologies such as Anarchism.
⁶The people attending his speech in Athens were not yet familiar with the writings of Carl Marx, and did not understand English.
⁷Historically called Tartary
⁸Historically spelled Hindoostan

Illinois State University Blood Soaked Doves

It is a little known fact the beloved ISU mascot Reggie Redbird was once called Reggie the Blood Soaked Dove.

The Blood Soaked Dove is a symbol of peace by way of war. After the Spanish-American War the Illinois State Fathers officially adopted what had been the unofficial ISU mascot¹ ever since the Mexican-American War².

In the tradition of changing the names of mascots with the zeitgeist, the time honored ISU Mascot Reggie the Blood Soaked Dove was replaced in 1972³ due to the public outcry against violence. This trend continues with mascots like Chief Illiniwek⁴.

In the year 2008 the zeitgeist again took another unforeseen turn, the St. Louis Cardinals are suing Illinois State Athletics, because a ‘redbird’ is nothing more than a cardinal⁵.

Notes:

Logo Under Consideration

¹ “empapado de sangre palomas”
² The Mexican-American War lasted from 1846-1848, and ISU would not be founded until 1857.
³ In 1961 the mascot was changed to the ‘Shepards’, in 1963 was changed to the ‘fighting Kennedys’, and in 1965 changed back to the Blood Soaked Doves in support of Vietnam.
⁴ Proposed new mascot: the Fighting Lincolns, in honor of President Lincoln.
⁵ The St. Louis Cardinals are being sued by the Vatican in two separate lawsuits. The first is the use of the Saint, and the second is for making a mockery of the office of Cardinal. Some speculate this is due to the 2004 World Series.

The Origin of Fireworks on Independence Day

The Fathers of Forth of July Fireworks

In the summer of 1853 several artillery officers stationed at Newark got drunk and hatched a plan to symbolically taunt Britain for loosing the colonies in North America. On the forth the field guns were moved to Bedloe’s Island¹, pointed east and slightly south² and fired. The display lasted thirty-five minutes, one round fired every several seconds, ending with three minutes of solid firing.

The next year the display was repeated while a band played patriotic music³. Unlike the year before, citizens were not panicked believing themselves under attack⁴. To this day our belligerence toward the Crown is displayed and celebrated in towns across the United States as professionals and amateurs alike fire symbolic weapons at England.

Notes:

¹ Later renamed Liberty Island, and a statue was built there.
² Due to surveying inaccuracies it was believed England lay to the south of New York
³ The Star Spangled Banner had not yet been established as the National Anthem, in place of music written to honor the United States the band played “God Save the Queen” backwards, while a swine wrapped in the Union Jack was flogged by children.
⁴Due to the location and direction of the guns, some Long Island residents were, in fact, under attack.